i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
