i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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