Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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