You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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