i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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