youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
