Do you still have your period?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
