My balls are so social today.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
