He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
