i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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