Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
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