I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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