onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
