I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Congratulations! We have a period
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