dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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