omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
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He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
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Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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