some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
