I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
