I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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