Umm I'm too high to move.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
