3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
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just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
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It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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