You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
