I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
