Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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