I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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