I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
