My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
