Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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