mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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