Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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