i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
