I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You smell like stripper and shame
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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