cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
