My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
