Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
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Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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