just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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