He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
