Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
