Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
