i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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