I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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