And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
