Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
