Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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