i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
