wakey wakey hands off snakey
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
