then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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