youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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