On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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