mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm going to jail i love you
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick