HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
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I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
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Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes