it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I need to align my fucking chakras
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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