I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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