I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
