i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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