He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
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Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
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I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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