I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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