True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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