You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
