Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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