He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Randomize
