i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
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she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
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but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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