I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
